Change People Without Giving Offense Or Arousing Resentment

Begin with praise and honest appreciation

IT IS always easier to listen to unpleasant things after we have heard some praise of our good points.

A barber lathers a man before he shaves him.

Beginning with praises is like the dentist who begins his work with Novocain. The patient still gets a drilling but the Novocain is pain killing.

Call attention to people's mistakes indirectly

Many people begin their criticism with sincere praise followed by the word "but" and ending with a critical statement.

The person receiving this might feel encouraged until he heard the word "but". He might then question the sincerity of the original praise. To him, the praise seemed only to be a contrived lead-in to a critical inference of failure. Credibility would be strained, and probability to achieve objective of changing the person's attitude would decrease.

This could be easily be overcome by changing the word "but" to "and."

The person would accept the praise because there was no follow-up of an inference of failure. We have called his attention to the behaviour we wished to change indirectly, and the chances are he will try to live up to our expectations.

Calling attention to one's mistakes indirectly works wonders with sensitive people who may resent bitterly any direct criticism.

Ask questions instead of giving direct orders

It isn't nearly so difficult to listen to a recital of your faults if the person criticizing begins by humbly admitting that he too, is far from impeccable.

Admitting one's own mistakes - even when one hasn't corrected them - can help convince somebody to change his behaviour.

Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person

Resentment caused by a brash order may last a long time - even if the order was given to correct an obviously bad situation.

Asking questions not only makes an order more palatable; it often stimlates the creativity of the persons whom you ask. People are more likely to accept an order if they have had a part in the decision that caused the order to be issued.

Let the other person save face

Letting one save face is vitally important. Few of us ever stop to think of it. We ride roughshod over the feelings of others, getting our own way, finding fault, issuing threats, criticizing a child or an employee in front of others, without even considering the hurt to the other person's pride.

A few minutes' thought, a considerate word or two, a genuine understanding of the other person's attitude, would go so far towards alleviating the sting.

Even if we are right and the other person is definitely wrong, we only destroy ego by causing someone to lose face.

"I have no right to say or do anything that diminishes a man in his own eyes. What matters is not what I think of him, but what he thinks of himself. Hurting a man in his dignity is a crime."

Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be "hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise."

"Praise is like the sunlight to the warm human spirit; we cannot flower and grow without it. And yet, while most of us are only too ready to apply to others the cold wind of criticism, we are somehow reluctant to give our fellow the warm sunshine of praise"

We all crave appreciation and recognition, and will do almost anything to get it. But nobody wants insincerity. Nobody wants flattery.

Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to

If you want to improve a person in a certain respect, act as though that particular trait were already one of his or her outstanding characteristics.

Give them a fine reputation to live up to, and they will make prodigious efforts rather than see you disillusioned.

Use encouragement. Make he fault seem easy to correct

Tell someone that he or she is stupid or dumb at a certain thing, has no gift for it, and is doing it all wrong, and you have destroyed almost every incentive to try to improve.

But if you are liberal with your encouragement, make the thing seem easy to do, let the other person know that you have faith in his or her ability to do it, that he has an undeveloped flair for it - and he will practise until dawn comes in the window in order to excel.

Make the other person happy about doing the things you suggest.

To change attitude or behaviour

1. Be sincere. Do not promise anything that you cannot deliver. Forget about the benefits to yourself and concentrate on the benefits to the other person.
2. Know exactly what it is you want the other person to do.
3. Be empathetic. Ask yourself what is it the other person really wants.
4. Consider the benefits that person will receive from doing what you suggest.
5. Match those benefits to the other person's wants.
6. When you make your request, put it in a form that will convey to the other person the idea that he personally will benefit.

It is naive to believe you will always get a favourable reaction from other persons when you use these approaches, but you are more likely to change attitudes this way than by not using these principles.

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