The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it
YOU can't win an argument. You can't because if you lose it, you lose it; and if you win it, you lose it. Why? Well, suppose you triumph over the other man and shoot his argument full of holes and proves that he is non compos mentis. Then what? you will feel fine. But what about him? You have made him feel inferior. You have hurt his pride. He will resent your triumph.
A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still.
If you argue and rankle and contradict, you may achieve a victory sometimes; but it will be an empty victory because you will never get your opponent's good will.
"Hatred is never ended by hatred but by love"
A misunderstanding is never ended by an argument but by tact, diplomacy, conciliation and a sympathetic desire to see the other person's viewpoint.
No man who is resolved to make the most of himself can spare time for personal contention. Still less can he afford to take the consequences, including the vitiation of his temper and the loss of self-control.
Better give your path to a dog than be bitten by him in a contesting for the right. Even killing the dog would not cure the bite.
How to prevent disagreement from becoming an argument?
- Welcome the disagreement:- "when two partners always agree, one of them is not necessary." Be thankful if there is some point you haven't thought about. It is your opportunity to be corrected before making mistake.
- Distrust your first instinctive impression:- The natural reaction to a disagreement is usually to be defensive. Keep it in check for it may be you at your worst.
- Control your temper:- The size of a person can be measured by what makes him or her angry.
- Listen first:- Allow bridges of understanding to be built by letting your opponent finish his talk. Do not resist, defend or debate for it only raises a higher barrier of misunderstanding.
- Look for areas of agreement:- After hearing what your opponent has said, dwell first on the points an areas on which you agree.
- Be honest:- If you made a mistake, apologize and admit it. It will disarm your opponents and reduce defensiveness.
- Promise to think over your opponent's ideas and study them carefully:- It is easier to agree to think about their points than to move rapidly ahead and find yourself in a position where your opponents can say: "We tried to tell you, but you wouldn't listen."
- Thank your opponents sincerely for their interest:- Think of those who took time to disagree with you as people who are interested and wanted to help, you may turn your opponent into friends.
- Postpone action to give both sides time to think through the problem:- Suggest to resolve the issue on another time when all facts have been gathered. Assess your situation and choose the best argument that can benefit both parties.
- When one person yells, the other should listen: - because when two people yell, there is no communication, just noise and bad vibrations."
Show respect for the other person's opinions. Never say, "You're wrong."
Men must be taught as if you taught them not. And things unknown proposed as things forgot.
You cannot teach a man anything; you can only help him to find it within himself.
"Be wiser than other people if you can; but do not tell them so."
"One thing only I know, and that is that I know nothing."
You will never get into trouble by admitting that you maybe wrong. That will stop all argument and inspire your opponent to be just as fair and open and broadminded as you are. It will make him want to admit that he, too, may be wrong.
Few people are logical. Most of us are prejudiced and biased. Most of us are blighted with preconceived notions, with jealousy, suspicion, fear, envy and pride.
When we are wrong, we may admit it to ourselves. And if we are handled gently and tactfully, we may admit to others and even take pride in our frankness and broad-mindedness. But not if someone else is trying to ram the unpalatable fact down our esophagus.
"Agree with thine adversary quickly."
"Be diplomatic, it will help you gain your point."
If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically
Say about yourself all the derogatory things you know the other person is thinking or wants to say of intends to say them. Chances are that a generous forgive attitude will be taken and your mistakes will be minimized.
Any fool can try to defend his or her mistakes - and most fools do - but it raises one above the herd and gives one a feeling of nobility and exultation to admit one's mistakes.
"By fighting you never get enough, but by yielding you get more than you expect"
Begin in a friendly way
If a man's heart is rankling with discord and ill feeling towards you, you can't win him to your way of thinking with all the logic in Christendom. Scolding parents and domineering bosses and husbands and nagging wives ought to realize that people don't want to change their minds. They can't be forced or driven to agree with you or me. But they may possibly be led to, if we are gentle and friendly, ever so gentle and ever so friendly.
"A drop of honey catches more flies than a gallon of gall."
The sun can make you take off your coat more quickly than the wind; and kindliness, the friendly approach and appreciation can make people change their minds more readily than all the bluster and storming in the world.
Get the other person saying "yes, yes" immediately
In talking with people, don't begin by discussing the things on which you differ. Begin by emphasizing - and keep on emphasizing - the things on which you agree. Keep emphasizing if possible, that you are both striving for the same end and that your only difference is the one of method and not of purpose.
When a person says "No" and really mean it, he or she is doing far more than saying a word of two letters. The entire organism - glandular, nervous, muscular - gathers itself together into a condition of rejection. The whole neuromuscular system set itself on guard against acceptance. On the contrary, when a person says "Yes" none of the withdrawal activities takes place. The organism is in a forward-moving, accepting, open attitude. Hence the more "Yeses" we can induce, the more likely we are to succeed on capturing the attention for our ultimate proposal.
"He who treads softly goes far."
Let the other person do a great deal of the talking
Most people trying to win others to their way of thinking do too much talking themselves. Let the other people talk themselves out. They know more about their problems than you do. SO ask them questions. Let them tell you a few things.
If you disagree with them you may be tempted to interrupt. But don't. It is dangerous. They won't pay attention to you while they still have a lot of ideas of their own crying for expression. So listen patiently and with an open mind. Be sincere about it. Encourage them to express their ideas fully.
Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers
Don't you have much more faith in ideas that you discover for yourself than in ideas that are handed to you on a silver platter? It is wiser to make suggestions - and let the other person think out conclusion.
"The reason why rivers and seas receive the homage of a hundred mountain streams is that they keep below them. Thus they are able to reign over all the mountain streams. So the sage, wishing to be above men, putteth himself below them; wishing to be before them, he putteth himself behind them. Thus though his place be above men, they do not be feel his weight; though his place be before them, they do not count it an injury."
Try honestly to see things from the other person's point of view
There is a reason why the other man thinks and acts as he does. Ferret out that reason - and you have the key to his actions, perhaps to his personality.
"Stop a minute to contrast your keen interest in your own affairs with your mild concern about anything else. Realize then, that everybody else in the world feels exactly the same way."
Success in dealing with people depends on a sympathetic grasp of the other persons' viewpoint."
Seeing things through another person's eyes may ease tensions when personal problems become overwhelming.
"I would rather walk the sidewalk in front of a person's office for two hours before an interview than step into that office without a perfectly clear idea of what I was going to say and what that person - from my knowledge of his or her interests and motives - was likely to answer."
Be sympathetic with the other person's idea and desires
"Sympathy the human species universally craves. The child eagerly displays his injury; or even inflicts a cut of bruises in order to reap abundant sympathy. For the same purpose adults show their bruises, relate their accidents, illness, especially details of surgical operations. 'Self-pity' for misfortunes real or imaginary, is in some measure, practically a universal practice."
Appeal to the nobler motives
"A person usually has two reasons for doing a thing: one that sounds good and a real one."
The person himself will think of the real reason. Being idealist at heart, all of us like to think of motives that sounds good. So, in order to change people, appeal to nobler motives.
The only sound basis to assume about a person is that he or she is sincere, honest, truthful and willing and anxious to pay the charges, once convinced that they are correct.
People are honest and want to discharge their obligation. The exceptions are comparatively few, and the individuals who are inclined to chisel will in most cases react favorably if you make them feel that you consider them honest, upright and fair.
Dramatize your ideas
The movies do it. TV does it. Why don't you do it?
Throw down a challenge
The way to get things done is to stimulate competition. Not in sordid money-getting way, but in the desire to excel.
The one major factor that motivated people was the work itself. If the work was exciting and interesting, the worker looked forward to doing it and was motivated to do a good job.
That is what every successful person loves: the game. The chance for self-expression. The chance to prove his or her worth, to excel, to win.
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